We’ve been to a few weddings recently, with and without the little people. We’re due to escape to one on our own shortly (*little happy freedom dance) Here is the reason why are the main differences between weddings then and weddings now, with toddlers in tow…
I’m at a wedding. I remembered my Spanx. I am serene and animated and well-fizzed
Before: A wedding was a joyous celebration consisting mainly of love, laughter, and terrible dancing.
After: A wedding is a joyous celebration consisting mainly of bribery, near misses with chicken nuggets and wedding dresses, and terrible dancing.
The run up
Before: You watched what you ate and got to the gym as much as possible in the weeks running up to the big day. You wore a dress with no hidden support and had no need for ‘intelligent’ undergarments and hosiery.
After: You watch what you eat in the run up but horrify even yourself at your lack of will power around chocolate, McDonald’s milkshakes and blocks of cheese. ‘Intelligent’ underwear is now a necessity, even if you have to walk like you’ve got an intimate ‘problem’.
The big day
Before: You set the alarm (you needed an alarm!!) for a time that meant you could get ready without rushing around. You factored in time for breakfast (nothing carby), make up, you might even have your hair done professionally…
After: Despite being up from 5am, feeding, changing and clothing two small children, and drawing onto your face whatever makeup you can fit around an episode of Thomas the Tank, you are still, somehow, the one careering around at the last minute, sweaty, stressed, and shovelling half a slice of toast in your mouth for sustenance. Sometimes, as you shut the door thinking you deserve a medal, your husband will helpfully tell you ‘Your top lip’s sweating again…’
Before (if you’re not driving): You had a little faff in the mirror on the windscreen visor on the way. Applied a bit more lippy. Pouted, then put your feet up on the dash with some tunes on, or simply closed your eyes for a bit.
After: Wait for youngest child to fall asleep (if you’ve timed it right and the wind is in the right direction). Find the area of makeup needing the most attention having been missed in the chaos of home. Tremble with fury at the comment your husband made as you left the house. Finally melt down as he asks ‘have you got the directions?’ or ‘are you on your period?’
I’m at a wedding. I can’t carry a small child and chase after a toddler in Spanx so I’m in a trouser suit. I am smiling in this photo but it is forced and I could go into orbit at any second. Also, I am fizzless as my hands are both occupied with tiny people.
Before (if you are driving): You keyed the postcode, precisely, into the sat nav and popped some tunes on. Road. Trip!
After: You try to concentrate on the correct postcode for the sat nav, but you have a 50% chance of being so overwhelmed by the protests in the back that you key in the address the RSVP went back to, not the address of the actual venue. It is also highly likely you’ll be so far into a ‘nursery rhyme coma’ at some point, you’ll miss a vital junction.It doesn’t matter how far in advance you set off, you will be late.
The ceremony
Before: Facial expressions and tears of pure joy at the beautiful ceremony.
After: Facial expressions of sheer panic and tears of frustration that your children are only ever seconds away from the next major meltdown. At a ceremony that feels like it’s gone on longer than Jordan’s hatred of Peter Andre.
THE PHOTOS
Before: Casually sipping champers on the lawn and grabbing any canapes that take your fancy whilst the photos are taken.
After: Running, bent double and as though possessed, across groups of people posing for wedding album pictures, in a bid to remove your children from the foreground. Of. every. photo.
Before: You listened to and chortled at the speeches, possibly betting on the length. Using them as a juncture for consuming yet more alcohol than was wise before 7pm.
After: You try to keep it together as your children and only YOUR children run across the speeches in the proud manner of streakers at a tennis game.
THE SHINDIG
Before: Your shoes came off at the end of the night because vodka told you you could dance.
After: Your shoes come off as soon before the meal even starts because your feet are 2 sizes bigger since childbirth but you love these shoes. Also to facilitate running around after your bionic toddler.
Before: You remember why you married your other half and how much fun you have together.(Often in a wine-haze, but nevertheless ,you do).
After: You remember, after the kid(s) have gone to bed how wonderful weddings are, why you married your other half and how much fun you have together (again, this is probably after a celebratory ‘he/she’s asleep! G and T, but again, nevertheless, you do). Circa midnight you start looking through pictures and videos of your little people and unashamedly cooing.
Before: You may not remember much of the rest of the night.
After: You start getting a bit tiddly-pom when someone says something that reminds you how early you’ll have to be up. You panic-gulp so much water you’ll need at least 2 toilet trips in the night and sneak off to bed. Your husband, asks, with hope, whether it’s ok for him to stay on a bit and high-fives another father (who he may or may not know) when you reply ‘Of course not…’ Google ‘how to perfect a smokey eye’. Fall unconscious on to the pillow with a knackered thud.
As with – HOW’S YOUR DAY?– please say I’m not alone?
