It’s nice when folks ask how your day went. Especially when they ask, then immediately glaze over, throw themselves on the sofa, and give themselves up to the pure pleasure of the SKY SPORTS DAILY LOOP. Often, I think a more demonstrative approach might work. Next time someone asks how your day with your little person went, perhaps you can try some or all of these:

• Purchase an ear trumpet, loud speaker, headphones. Bellow ‘I DON’T WAAAAANT THIS’ as loudly as you can into whichever you’ve procured for at least an hour non stop.  Never give any intel into what the ‘THIS’ is. Repeat as necessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Go quiet for a time, preferably in another room, while splitting open packets of peanuts and wilfully distributing handfuls of muesli. Wet some of the muesli and make sure some of it gets where the naked eye might not think to look. If they don’t run in to see why it has gone quiet within 30 seconds bang something really hard that sounds like it could well be the baby’s head.

 

• Face-plant on the decking. Or the tiled kitchen floor. Go really quiet until they panic and rush to your side. Go a bit limp until a more naughty idea distracts you.

 

• Pull out a clump of their hair for absolutely no reason. Laugh maniacally as you do it.

 

• If any visitors come to the door, pull out some of their hair too.

 

• Smoosh something gunky and a bit smelly into their hair. Aim for something that requires at least 3 washes to get out.

• Get them to try and perform some everyday arithmetic  whilst you bang pan lids on the kitchen floor.

 

• Make up a cup of cold coffee, some cold baked beans and a glass of water with about 4 raisins in it and present it to them as a delicious home-cooked meal. If you’ve got a cloche you could use this for effect.

 

• Get them to run outside and peg an item of clothing out then run in, pick something off the floor and set it on the high chair tray then head back out with another item for the clothes line. Again, make them do this somewhere in the region of 20 times.

 

• Wet their pants or the sofa with something that could be wee, could be water.

 

• Bite them hard on any areas of loose skin. Especially upper arms, neck, or anywhere they’re particularly self-conscious about excess fat.

 

• Cut just one of your finger nails to a very fine, scratchy point and claw it across their face sporadically and without warning.

 

• Stick their favourite snack/treat on a plate. Every time they nearly get to it, scream, knock an entire sack of potatoes over or climb a curtain.

 

• Put everything and anything you can find in   the bath. Turn on the taps.

 

• When they express a need for the toilet do not allow them to go for at least an hour. When they assure you they are at bladder-bursting point and cannot hold it any more insist on them carrying you up the stairs to the loo with them. Make sure you balance right on their bladder.

 

• When you need the loo, rip down one side of your nappy and just do it wherever you are.

 

• Next time, do it in their shoe.

 

• Procure the remote, ‘squeeze’ the TV picture and set the language to Portuguese. Hide the remote so they can’t change it back. It might also be worth deleting one or two of their favourite programmes from the planner. A season finale if at all possible.

 

• Finally, crack open a bottle of wine and laugh, at how deranged you must really be to choose to endure this sort of torture,  happily, every single day, in return for just one amazing smile, kiss or cuddle from your little person. Oh – then (maybe) ask them how their day went too….

* Image of man deafened by noise – Side Pose of Businessman by imagerymajestic and muffins pic by Stuart Miles, both at freedigitalphotos.net